I'm Not a Cow Anymore....

14 months

420 days (give or take) 

10,080 hours  

604,800 minutes

36,288,000 seconds 

The amount of time I spent nursing/pumping for my little Levi ❤

My last bag of stored breastmilk:(

It is a bittersweet feeling knowing that I am closing a chapter in my life that will not be reopened.  Levi is our last little one and I will not get to nurse another baby.  Writing those words really makes it real and official.  It's weird how when you are "in the trenches" of what ever phase you are going through, the only thing you can see and focus on, is the end.  At times, this has made me miss out on the current and present moments.  I am always so goal oriented with the end result in sight that I miss what is right in front of me.  It is only after the fact that I realize what I missed.

Like right now, I am kicking myself for not relishing that last nursing session.  To be truthful, I was not sure it would be our last time.  J and I went away for two nights (Levi was only nursing at night and in the morning anyway), and the little guy didn't even try when I got back.  Kind of cold turkey for both of us I guess.  While I still get plenty of snuggles, there is nothing like that quiet time in the morning when it is just the two of you awake, and sharing that special bond.  I will most definitely miss those moments.

Now, do I miss that damn pump....NO!  Thank goodness it served me so well this go around, but goodness I do not miss that!  I actually have time at work now....and am not attached to the wall at every recess and lunch!  It's nice not having to carry so many things to work each day well.  Looked like I was moving in most days.  Thankful beyond words that I was able to provide for my little guy while I was gone.

Something that really surprised me was how many people kept asking "how much longer I was going to keep nursing Levi," or "When I planned to stop?" It was odd.  Like he turned one and all of a sudden it was time to cut the chord.  Even his pediatrician, whom I love, put a lot of pressure on me to stop nursing him.  The only reason I could think of was because he is....how you say....chunky.  But still...isn't breastmilk liquid gold?  Shouldn't I give it as long as I can?  The "norm" around the world is 2+ years.  I just felt like I was doing something "wrong" once he was past 12 months.  My own general practitioner put the most pressure on me to stop.  She even wrote on some paperwork "Will stop nursing by the end of December."  Kind of wish we had gone longer just to spite her.  It just did not make sense to me all the pressure to stop.  It's not like he would start magically sleeping all night.  His sleeping habits are another post entirely though...

So today, January 22nd, 2017, Levi gets his last dose of precious liquid gold.
I am having a hard time pouring these last few ounces into his sippy cup.
Once I do, it's all gone.
I am no longer providing his nourishment.
I am no longer in control of that.
He is growing up, so fast.
Like closing your favorite book and being glad it's over but sad there are no more pages to turn.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
- Dr. Seuss

xoxo,
Molly

Don't Ask Me

Don't ask me how I'm doing...

This time next week I will be anxiously awaiting the bell to ring for recess and I will be back at work full time.  Right now it feels like this dark scary cloud hanging over my head.  I have so many things to juggle at work that first week back, not just my class (who has turned into a nightmare I hear) but a Lead Learner Meeting till 5pm Tuesday night and a presentation to my peers on Thursday afternoon, for which I have prepped nothing. The thought of going back literally brings tears to my eyes.  

I shared recently that I have struggled (and still do a bit) with postpartum depression and anxiety after having my sweet Levi.  The reason going back to work is so terrifying and sad is because I feel as though I have lost/wasted precious time with my little love because I was struggling regain control and heal myself. While I didn't "miss" anything or any milestone, I did not get to enjoy everything as much as I had hoped.  My little Levi is not a newborn anymore....he's a hefty lil chunk of an infant.  Time has gone so much faster this go around.  Maybe it was the struggle with PPD and maybe it was just having two beautiful boys who make each day fly by, and maybe it was both.  Either way I feel like I am grieving lost time.  Just when I get back to "me" and enjoying everything about being home with my babies...I have to go back to work.  I want to scream "No not yet, I want a do over!"  It feels so unfair and at the same time I am so mad at myself for losing that time.  I want more cuddles and smiles and time just time!  

I know what you're thinking...you've had almost 5 months, suck it up!  You're right, I have.  But who's to say what is "enough" time with our babies?  This short time that they are little goes by so fast.  Everything in my soul says I should be the one with my babies.  My face should be the one they see when they wake up from naps.  My hands should  dry tears.  My lips should kiss boo boos. Maybe it's the control freak in me that hates to relinquish control to someone else who will basically raise my babies for me while I work.  That's hard for me.  (Don't get me wrong they are in the best hands I could ask for).  

That age old debate of who has it harder working moms or stay at home moms?  I've been both.  Both are freaking hard!  So that debate should stop.  Both are jobs.  Both are hard!  Stop comparing.  Being a mom is hard y'all so let's build each other up not tear each other down.  

So anyways....

Next week, when you see me....

Don't ask me if I'm ok...I'm not.

Don't ask me if I miss Levi...I do.

Don't ask me if I miss Liam...I do.  

Don't ask me how he's doing in daycare...he's fine (I hope). 

Don't ask me how work is going...I'm surviving.

My heart is with my babies.  My thoughts are with my babies.  

Xoxo,

Molly 

Hiding Behind My Smile

I have Postpartum Depression/Anxiety. 

There I said it.  Whew.  

Why am I sharing something so personal?  Because it is not talked about enough.  

Exhaustion 

Guilt

Worries 

Sadness  

These are all normal as a mom but also too "expected" by society.  Why is it so accepted and "ok" for new moms to be tremendously sleep deprived and exhausted?  There is such a stigma behind depression and anxiety.  As well as an expectation by society that moms just need to "suck it up" because it's part of the "job."  I'm sharing my story in hopes that some other mom who reads this says "I feel that way too," and gets the help she needs.  I am also sharing it because we need to talk about it MORE.  It needs to be recognized MORE.  It needs to be accepted.  Women should not feel ashamed for the way they feel.  This can happen to ANYONE!

What is Postpartum Depression/Anxiety? 

According to Google it is...

1. Depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue.

   So basically during the time in our lives when shear joy should be all consuming, moms can be sucked into a black hole of many emotions that take all that joy away.  You would assume this would look like a very sad mother who is not connected to her baby at all.  At least I thought that.  99.9% of the time you will have no idea a mom is suffering in such a way. Why?  Because it's our job to hold it together and society frowns upon any kind of depression.  We hide behind our smiles.  I will be honest, before it happened to me, I was skeptical.  But believe me...it's very very real and something you need help coping and dealing with.  

   
   

   
   

   

   
   

   Here's my story....

   
   

   Let me start off by saying that the first 5 weeks were PURE BLISS! I was on cloud nine with my little cuddle bug and my precious 2 year old!  Life was great!  Everything changed 5 weeks postpartum...

   
   

   Now I am an anxious person by nature but all of a sudden the worries and the stresses became overwhelming.  The worries and stresses just sat in my head ruminating and I just could not shake them.  Mind you they were things I did not need to worry about.  My mind was going to the worst case scenario with everything.  For example:  sitting on the couch one day I could not get Levi to look at me.  My mind immediately said "He has a hearing problem or a sight problem or worse he has autism!"  Mind you he was only 5 weeks old.  Google is not your friend because it just confirmed (in my mind) what I was worried about.  I literally could not stop this autism worry.  I had to keep myself from googling it more and trying to force eye contact from Levi.  Poor kid probably was so sick of my face being in his!

   
   

   My 5 week check up with my OB fell within this autism worry cycle. At my appt when she asked how I was doing, I just started crying.  That's when I knew something deeper was wrong.  My OB diagnosed me with Postpartum Depression and referred me to a therapist.  Swallowing the fact that I had this diagnosis and had a legit "problem" was not easy for me.  Getting this "label" made me feel like a terrible mom, wife and person.  WHY COULDN'T I HANDLE THIS?  I beat myself up for a few days after my diagnosis.  There is still a little voice that rears it's ugly head now and then still that makes me feel like a bad mom.  I am doing my best to silence and ignore that voice at all costs.  I am getting the help I need and taking care of ME, so I can be a GOOD MOM to my boys.  

   
   

   What does Postpartum Depression/Anxiety look like?
2. Nothing like what I thought.

First of all, I am not sad all day long.  I do not feel like I cannot get out of bed.  I am not mopey and lethargic all day.  These were all the things I thought Depression looked like. Sometimes it does, but not all the time.  My Postpartum looks like me...a more tired me...but me.  For me it manifested itself in a few major ways - Anger, Constant Anxious Thoughts, Fatigue, and Major Guilt.  

Anger - 

I am not an angry person by nature.  I feel as though I have always been a patient person and things like rage and anger were not things I had truly experienced before.  All of a sudden I was such and irritable and anger person.  I would go from zero to sixty in a few seconds.  I had no fuse and small things that I could usually brush off made me furious.  Poor Jason could breathe wrong and have me blow up.  My poor Liam...who is a brilliantly defiant two year old...really pushed my buttons.  Liam was also regressing in his behavior due to the arrival of Levi.  This is totally normal and expected but it made things very difficult for me and for Jason.  When everything is a battle, no one is in a good mood.  The anger I would feel was all consuming and did not go away or stop once the trigger went away.  It would leave me in a funk which would leave me vulnerable to more anger and blow ups later on.  I hate feeling this way but I felt powerless to stop this anger.  I just reacted to things without thinking.  I don't think I even had a fuse.  Of course once you blow up in anger (sometimes for no real reason) you immediately feel AWFUL!  This lack of thinking and just reacting often led me to an overwhelming feeling of guilt after.  

Guilt - 

No one knows this feeling better than a mom.  Sorry dads you just aren't wired like we are (and in some ways you're lucky). The guilt started before Levi was even born.  I felt guilty just for having a second child.  Liam was and is my whole world!  How can I take that away from him?  How can I love him and a new baby equally?  Turns out it is completely possible but the guilt still happens!  I love both my boys more than anything but I never feel like I can give both of them what they need at the same time!  It does not help that BOTH of my boys are total mommy's boys.  Which I love and hate at the same time!  It never fails...especially in the evenings at bedtime, that both need me.  Liam will not go to sleep unless mommy lays with him for a few minutes and Levi will fuss and cry until I nurse him to sleep (even if that little chunker has JUST eaten).  Needless to say, it is excruciating to hear one or both of your babies crying and you know that you can only choose one at a time.  In this way I feel like one of them is always short changed.  PLUS I feel so bad for Jason because he can't do anything because he's not mom.  Another big guilty feeling I have is not being able to play with Liam like he wants me to.  If Levi is awake, poor Liam is limited to what I can do while keeping Levi happy and/or holding Levi.  I have been wearing Levi alot and now that he is almost sitting and can stand in his jumper things are easier.  But he's never happy anywhere long...unless I am holding him (shocker).  Liam breaks my heart when he asks, "Mommy can you put Levi down and play with me?"  I miss those times when we could just play.  That's a big reason I still send him to preschool at least 4 days a week.  He gets to PLAY!  He has a ball at preschool and I know he is learning so much!  Much more than I could give him at home.  This way when he does come home we can have some good quality time together and play while Levi naps (usually in the evening).  Plus I do not feel as bad putting Levi in his bouncer or seat for awhile since he and I have had all day together.  BUT...I feel so guilty being home and sending Liam off to preschool daily.  It's such a torn feeling I have.  I know it is the best, but it tugs at my heart daily.

Constant Anxious Thoughts -
This was the first thing I noticed with my Postpartum.  Like I mentioned above I thought Levi was lacking eye contact, therefore, he had Autism. My mind is normally a "Jump to the worst case scenario" type of mind.  But generally, I can control those thoughts and not ruminate on them.  At 5 weeks postpartum I lost that control.  The scariest of scary thoughts took control of my mind and I could not let them go.  I would worry about Levi, Liam, Jason, and myself.  All moms know those DAMN milestones babies are "supposed" to meet.  If Levi was behind or slow I was freaking out.  By the way, I hate those and the dang percentiles the pediatrician tracks your kids with.  I have been constantly worried about Liam bringing home germs from preschool.  Then it happened and both boys were on nebulizers for a few weeks.  That fear came to fruition and I actually think going through it helped because now I am not as concerned about everyone getting sick.  We've been there, done that already.  My marriage and relationship have been a huge worry.  Of course I am petrified that all I have been going through and what I have been putting Jason through is going to drive him away.  Maybe it's because I have been "left" in the past, maybe it's because I have been cheated on in the past...I don't know for sure, but I do know I have major insecurities about being left by my significant other.  Jason has been dealing with a lot to say the least.  ME for one thing, Liam being mommy only most of the time, Levi (in general just having a new baby) and working full time.  He truly is the most amazing man ever created.  He is so patient and reassuring.  He is a great father.  He is a great husband.  Yet still, I worry all that has been going on will be too much.  THANKFULLY - things are definitely on the road to "normal" and we are all adjusting.  Plus, my postpartum is MUCH MUCH better.  I love my husband beyond words.  He's been the rock keeping this family anchored:)

Fatigue -
HERE IS MY TRIGGER......Lack of freaking sleep!  I kid you not...the first MONTH of Levi's life I got maybe 2-3 hours of sleep per night.  Napping was minimal throughout the day.  Newborns have their days and night mixed up...that's normal.  But it never failed that if Levi was asleep, Liam needed something.  He's usually a rockstar sleeper but of course with the new addition to the family we had some regression.  Sleep deprivation is a TORTURE TECHNIQUE!  No lie - they use it as a form of torture, but new moms are just supposed to deal.  After a month of such little sleep I was not the person I used to be.  This is what set off my postpartum.  On nights that I sleep less (which are still common as Levi is not sleeping more than 6 hours in a row), I definitely feel my postpartum depression and anxiety more.  It's controllable now, but it's more of a challenge on days I have not slept well.

THINGS ARE FINALLY GETTING BETTER!

I am starting to come out of this postpartum fog and I feel like me again!

It's almost an out of body experience.  Like I can see my life from someone else's perspective.  I can recognize now when I need to breathe and calm down before just reacting in anger.  I can see what Liam's behavior means...attention seeking mostly.  I know that lack of sleep will be a trigger and that I need to be more conscious of my thoughts and actions on those days.  Basically, I can manage how I am feeling now and I can see what I need to do to help myself feel better.  I can finally enjoy being a mommy, and a stay at home mommy at that!  Unfortunately I feel like I have wasted almost 4 months with Levi struggling to control this postpartum stuff and find me again.  But, I am trying to focus on the good...I have exactly a month from today (3/4/16) at home with my boys.  Then I return to work and that will be a whole new adjustment period.  I get a month to cuddle with my littlest babe.  I get a month to play with Liam without being exhausted from working all day.  I get a month to get things done around the house at normal hours.  I get a month to meet with friends for lunch mid day.  I get a month to relax when both boys are napping.  I get a month to focus on selling my LuLaRoe!  I GET A MONTH:)  

I know what you are thinking....Molly you do not have to share everything in your life.  You are right, I don't.  BUT this was something I felt I needed to talk about.  No one warned me about this!  No one asked how I was doing.  No one shared their thoughts and feelings about being a mom - the real stuff we don't talk about it.  So many friends said "Oh yea I felt that way too, but I just thought it was normal!"  It makes me sad and mad that we think that is normal.  It's not.  It needs to be openly discussed.  There is NO SHAME in having postpartum depression/anxiety.  Maybe that's why I am sharing.  Go ahead and JUDGE away.  Think what you want because here's what I know...

I admitted I needed help.

I got help.

I got support.

I put myself first...even though I am a mom and I am supposed to be last.

I AM A GOOD MOM...heck a great one because I am taking care of me.  Only way I can take care of my kiddos is if I am taken care of.

I am a good wife.

I am a good teacher.

I am a good person.

I am not comparing myself to other mommies....as often;)  

I. Am. Me. and that's good enough:)

So I urge you...talk about this.  If you've felt how I felt, get help.  DO NOT BE ASHAMED of your feelings and thoughts.  Put yourself first.  

Postpartum can happen anytime from birth to one year. 

Research it.

Understand it.

Share it.

I no longer have anything hiding behind my smile now.

I'm happy.

I'm healthy.

I'm a mommy to two beautiful boys:)

xoxo,

Molly

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Levi's Birth Story

                       Levi Bryce 

Levi's Birth Story:

Before I forget...haha like that will happen!

All started Monday 11/9/15...

I was having contractions on and off all day and it felt like Levi was going to fall out!  But like before everything stopped by the afternoon!  

Tuesday 11/10/15...

Went to the doctor for my weekly NST.  Was having contraction that were pretty good every two minutes. Doctor checked me and I was 2.5 cm so she stripped my membranes and said it would be before the end of the week! My contractions continued but spaced out as the day went on.  By the evening they started to pick up again so I timed them and they were about 5-10 min apart.  I went to bed thinking it would probably happen the next day. 

3AM 11/11/15...

Really bad contraction woke me up and when I rolled over...warm wetness which I thought was my water breaking.  Went to check and I was bleeding. By his did not happen with Liam so I was scared.  The contractions were really bad at this point and I woke up J and we headed to the hospital.  We got there just before 4 and I was in tremendous pain and 5cm dilated already.  I asked for an epidural right away but of course it's a waiting game.  

Two things that really bugged me:

1.) My first nurse!!!!  She was kind of a jerk and she tried to give me fentenal (sp?) without my permission then made me feel bad for refusing it. 

2.) The OB who admitted me checked my dilation DURING a contraction telling me to relax and drop my legs further.  Ummmm like contractions aren't bad enough....her checking me made them off the charts!!!  Then telling me to relax...I was ready to punch her!!

5:30AM 11/11/15...

Epidural bliss!!!  Now if you know Liam's story, you know my epidural did not work!  This time around it worked perfectly:) I was 7cm already when I got the epidural!  Things were going fast!!! 

Just after 7AM...my water broke and my doctor showed up!  My OB is amazing and I love her!  She came in just to deliver me! She stayed with me the whole time we pushed.  I had to push a little early because Levi's heart rate dropped after contractions.  Something called a decel I think.  

8:15AM...

Apparently I have one great push and Levi almost came out and no one was really ready lol!  Then everyone quickly got ready...gowns and gloves and I had to "hold him in" until they said go.  Thank goodness my epidural was working!!!  Once everyone was ready one more push and out he came!!  Jason got to deliver Levi completely unassisted from my doctor. He only cried a little bit and calmed down instantly once he was on my chest.  

Favorite moment...J came over after delivering Levi and as soon as Levi heard his voice he turned and looked at J!  It was precious!  

There was no room ready for us so went spent almost all day in the delivery room but it was actually very quiet and peaceful in there!  

I'm so glad labor is over and Levi is here! It's nice being able to bend over again!  I'm actually not in any pain really!  Which means I really need to be reminded to take it easy!!  

We are officially a family of four and parents to two beautiful boys (under 3)!  

Xoxo, 

Molly 

*~* Halloween 2015 *~*

Marshall from Nick Jr's Paw Patrol

First and foremost I am so glad Levi stayed put so that we could enjoy Liam's first real time Trick or Treating.  This was the first year Liam walked the whole time and was able to say Trick or Treat and Thank you at every door!  Granted he wanted me to go with him to every door and wanted to be picked up at the first few...but for the most part he did it all on his own.  I was so proud of him!  We joined some of our friends in their neighborhood and boy does their neighborhood do Halloween up big!!!  There were tons of people and Liam did a great job listening and holding my hand the whole time (this is something that rarely happens as he always wants to run off on his own).  We walked around for close to 45 minutes and he was a trooper.  At the end of that 45 minutes though he said he was ready to go home so, we gladly took the little guy home, as we were already well past normal bedtime.  He didn't get much candy - much to my hubby and my dismay - but it was the whole experience that made it so much fun.  We let him have one Kit Kat when we got home, and of course had to watch one more Paw Patrol episode before bath.  Now he knows the joys of a Kit Kat (despite his milk sensitivity/allergy).

I am so proud of my second DIY Halloween Family Costumes too!  I worked on them for a few weekends in a row and they were actually really easy to do.  I want to do matching family costumes as long as the kiddos will allow.  J is always such a trooper and good sport too with them.  He looked adorable as Rubble last night:)

To Make the costumes all you need is:
Felt
Foam board
Glitter puff paint
Foam Glue
Super Glue
Fabric Glue
Velcro
T-shirts
Hard Hat (hubby had one from work)
Child's fire hat
Pink Beanie
Aviator googles (Amazon)

The T-shirts were the easiest...I wrote our names on the front and used the foam board to make the paw print shields for the back.  I used foam glue and fabric glue to attach the paw prints shields to the back of the shirts.

Our pup tags (collars) were easy too!  Just felt and foam board!  I used velcro to fasten them together at the ends for easy on and off.  Super glue was my best friend with these cause I knew Liam would not be easy on them.  They held up really well!  Liam has been wearing his all day - the day after Halloween.

Hats just needed some felt ears super glued on and foam board paw prints once again.  Super glue held everything on but Liam's ears fell off of his hat after I made them.  So I ended up using velcro to attach them to his hat.  All I did for my ears and my husband's ears were to cut felt and super glue them to our hats.  Stayed no problem!

Liam's Dalmatian shirt was just a fabric marker and a little sharpie to make it darker...super easy!

Being the typical 2 year old he is...Liam did not want to put on his costume at first.  Threw a fit.  But once we told him he could not go trick or treating without wearing it he reluctantly put it on.  Once it was on....he didn't take it off!  He was having a grand ol' time as Marshall!

We had a great time this year!
Looking forward to next year and 2 cute little boys to dress up!!!

Skye and Marshall ready for action!

Rubble and Marshall ready for action!

Ready to go Trick or Treat!!

37 weeks and 2 days pregnant but you would never know from behind!!!


Now on to the Christmas Season!!!!

xoxo,
Molly

An Open Letter to My Boys

An Open Letter to My Boys <3

Dear J, Li Li and Levi,

        I am writing you this letter so that one day we can look back and hopefully laugh about how worried we were about becoming a family of four, because we will have a new "normal" once little Levi joins us.  It's been a rough ride over the last 35 weeks and 3 days, but here we are in the home stretch waiting for Levi to join us.  Thank you both for putting up with me and the roller coaster of emotions this pregnancy has put me through.  I would not have made it without your love and support J - you are truly amazing and I am beyond lucky to have you by my side.  Li Li thank you for being the best little boy any mommy could ask for - even when you drive mommy nuts - you are and will always be my whole world.  Levi - thank you for choosing me to be your mommy:)  Now let me get down to the specifics....

       Jason<3

        I feel like I can never say or show you enough how much I love you and appreciate you for all that you do for this family.  I know I get irritated with you more than I should and for that I am sorry.  You are always doing something to benefit the house or our family.  Thank you for that.  I really do appreciate all that you do around the house...sometimes I just wish you chose different times to do so:)  I am so thankful you have a job that keeps you close to home now.  I no longer worry about you on a daily basis and I love knowing you will be home every night.  You are my teammate and my partner in life.  I cannot imagine doing this mom thing alone right now.  I know I could...but I am glad I don't have to.  I know you have a passion for fire and helping others...that is one of the reasons I fell in love with you.  Putting our family over that is something I would never force you to do and sometimes I am still shocked at how much your career has shifted.  You know you have my support in anything you want to do in life.  I will always be your biggest cheerleader.  But I cannot promise I won't whine or complain a little bit along the way.  

     I must admit that I am much more apprehensive and scared this go around.  Not just with labor and delivery...although that does scare the sh*t out of me.  I am scared of how Levi will affect our relationship even more than Liam did.  It's no secret that children change your marriage and your relationship.  We work on it everyday and will for as long as these two boogers live and breathe.  I never expected to become so all consumed as a mom.  I am sorry you have not been my top priority over the past 2 years and 4 months.  I am sorry I let myself get run down and so tired that I get grouchy and short with you.  I am sorry for not spoiling you and pampering you like I used to.  I am sorry for not focusing on the house and chores more.  I am sorry for expecting you to read my mind.  I am sorry for not being a better wife.  This is what I worry about when Levi gets here...that all of this will continue and get worse.  I need to find more balance with this mom thing.  You are such a wonderful person and deserve to be pampered and spoiled for being such a wonderful husband and daddy.  I promise to work on this as much as I can.  I promise to put you first more often.  I promise to show my appreciation more than just saying it.  I love you.  I love you.  I love you.  Thank you for loving me in a way that most only dream about.  You are my best friend and I love you to the moon and back:)

        Li Li <3 

        Honestly, sometimes when I sit and think about Levi arriving I feel very sad and guilty because I know our time and "You and Me" is ending.  You changed my life in the best possible way.  I did not know how much I could love someone until you came into the world.  You have given my life such purpose and sense of worth.  You have become the center of everything I do and every thought I have.  I am scared of taking that away from you.  I am scared that you will feel abandoned and forgotten.  I know how all consumed I became with you and I don't know how I can balance that and be fair to both you and Levi.  I never want you to feel left out or like mommy does not have time for you.  You have made me who I am today.  You have made me the mommy I am today.  My life has meaning because of you.  You are my reason for working hard everyday, so that I can give you everything you need (and want).  Never forget how much I love you and how much you mean to me.         We will just have to get used to sharing our time with your little brother.  We can do it.  We will still have our special time just you and me.  I will tuck you in at night until you ask me not to...and then I will just because I can.  We will still watch Paw Patrol and Blaze together.  We will still build your block towers and race tracks.  We will still dunk our graham crackers in milk together.  We will still read as many books as you want together.  We will still go for runs together.  We will still go feed the animals at the barn together.  We can still do all of the things we have always done together and many more.  You're my first little boy and you will always be my baby:)  I'm going to be that mom that kisses you until your 40 and beyond.  I am so proud of you and the little man you are growing into.  I hope you always have the zest for life that you currently have.  Stay curious and strive to learn.  I love you my boogie!!!!  You are my whole world:)  You're two and drive me a little nuts but I would not change a single moment we share together.  I love you.  I love you.  I love you! 

      Levi <3

      I've loved you from the moment I knew about you.  You have given mommy a rough ride through these past 35 weeks and 3 days, but I am so thankful to be carrying you and bringing you into this fun ride called life.  You will love our little family and your big brother.  He may not welcome you with open arms but don't worry, he will grow to love you more than either of you could ever put into words.  You will always have someone who has your back.  You will always have someone to play with.  You will always have someone to drive mom and dad crazy with.  You will always have a partner in crime.  You will always have a teammate.  You will always have a wing man (when you're much much older).  You will always have a brother.  I am so excited to watch you and Liam grow up together.  He has so much to teach you already.  

      It's going to take awhile for all of us to adjust to you being here.  Give us a little break while we figure things out.  We are going to make mistakes and screw up...that's just how life goes.  I promise we will find our groove and then things will sail right along.  Keep in mind we have been just the three of us for over two years.  We are all a little nervous about becoming a family of four.  I want you to remember one thing for the rest of your life....You will never be the "second best" in this family.  I know being the second child and getting hand me downs your whole life can make it seem like you are not important or not the priority....but that is not the case.  We love you just as much as Liam and you are just as important to us.  Please don't ever feel second best in this house.  With that being said...feel free to join the party whenever you feel you are ready.  Preferably in about 2 weeks:)  Love you my little monkey:)  

xoxo,

Molly

Preschool

One of the best decisions I have made for Liam was sending him to preschool!

A lot of people thought I was crazy to send Liam to preschool at 2.  But after being home with him for a few weeks over the summer it was very clear that it was the step he needed in his little life right now.  This kiddo craves learning and figuring out new things.  He also thrives on structure and routine.  Seeing all of this sent me on a mission to find him a preschool ASAP.  

What's sad is how unbelievably hard it was to 1- Find a place with an opening for his age 2- A place that would take him un-potty trained and 3- A place we could afford.  Thankfully (I think) Liam helped out with #2 and took it upon himself to potty train...but that's another post;). I just find it sad and ridiculous how expensive preschool is.  It is such a crucial time for little ones and its untraceable for many families due to costs!  Two years old ( for my little guy ) was when he became a sponge.  He is learning new things DAILY!  I'm always shocked at what comes out of his little mouth!  

Warning: getting on my little pedestal now...

As a primary teacher I have seen the effects preschool has and the effects of those who were unable to attend.  I fully believe it should be mandatory for two big reasons: 1- It sets a solid foundation for learning and 2- It teaches kids social skills they won't learn at home and how to function as a student in school.  I'm not saying homeschooling for preschool is terrible or bad.  Hey if you're home and can do it more power to you.  But in my opinion homeschooling lacks the social development aspect of a true preschool environment.  If I had been lucky enough to be a stay at home mom, I still would have sent Li Li to preschool.  I love picking Liam up and seeing his whole little class sitting politely at the table waiting for snack.  It's possible to get even the little ones to follow directions. It only helps them down the road. 

Now before you get mad at me...yes I feel preschool should be mandatory, but I also feel it should be provided by the state just like any other public school.  Financially, even for J and I who have pretty well paid jobs, it's a struggle.  We pay over $600 a month for Liam to go to preschool.  That's a hefty fee and definitely on the lower side depending on where you live.  That kind of money put preschool out of reach for many.  Trust me I get that and I think it's wrong!  We now have Transitional Kindergarten which is fantastic but unfortunately only some kids qualify.  My Li Li misses the birthday cutoff cause he's a June baby so he can't attend TK.  This means if I want that foundation laid at an early age I have to fork over the $$ to do so.  Obviously education is hugely important in this household so we are gladly giving Li Li this opportunity to learn as much as possible now.  But it shouldn't be like this.  I just taught my 5th graders about human rights and how we all have the right to education...free education in the primary years.  But alas...for our smallest students it costs a fortune.  So yes...preschool should not be optional...but it should also be provided by our government.  The kindergarten teachers out there would greatly appreciate it I'm sure;) 

Ok off my soap box...

Liam already knows his colors and counts better than some of my first graders did last year.  I attribute this to preschool completely...with a little pat on my own back for reinforcing what I can with him.  He's recognizing words and matching words to pictures!  He's singing songs and his imagination has blossomed!  Preschool provides him with everything his little mind needs right now...plus a nap and snacks;).  I'm so so glad we found such a wonderful place for him to go everyday!  I don't worry about him as much as I used to...prolly because he's growing up so fast:/. 

If you want to know where he goes send me a message:)  it's truly a wonderful environment!  We love it so much that Levi will be going there when I head back to work:). 

Xoxo, 

Molly 

So proud of himself❤️