Don't Ask Me

Don't ask me how I'm doing...

This time next week I will be anxiously awaiting the bell to ring for recess and I will be back at work full time.  Right now it feels like this dark scary cloud hanging over my head.  I have so many things to juggle at work that first week back, not just my class (who has turned into a nightmare I hear) but a Lead Learner Meeting till 5pm Tuesday night and a presentation to my peers on Thursday afternoon, for which I have prepped nothing. The thought of going back literally brings tears to my eyes.  

I shared recently that I have struggled (and still do a bit) with postpartum depression and anxiety after having my sweet Levi.  The reason going back to work is so terrifying and sad is because I feel as though I have lost/wasted precious time with my little love because I was struggling regain control and heal myself. While I didn't "miss" anything or any milestone, I did not get to enjoy everything as much as I had hoped.  My little Levi is not a newborn anymore....he's a hefty lil chunk of an infant.  Time has gone so much faster this go around.  Maybe it was the struggle with PPD and maybe it was just having two beautiful boys who make each day fly by, and maybe it was both.  Either way I feel like I am grieving lost time.  Just when I get back to "me" and enjoying everything about being home with my babies...I have to go back to work.  I want to scream "No not yet, I want a do over!"  It feels so unfair and at the same time I am so mad at myself for losing that time.  I want more cuddles and smiles and time just time!  

I know what you're thinking...you've had almost 5 months, suck it up!  You're right, I have.  But who's to say what is "enough" time with our babies?  This short time that they are little goes by so fast.  Everything in my soul says I should be the one with my babies.  My face should be the one they see when they wake up from naps.  My hands should  dry tears.  My lips should kiss boo boos. Maybe it's the control freak in me that hates to relinquish control to someone else who will basically raise my babies for me while I work.  That's hard for me.  (Don't get me wrong they are in the best hands I could ask for).  

That age old debate of who has it harder working moms or stay at home moms?  I've been both.  Both are freaking hard!  So that debate should stop.  Both are jobs.  Both are hard!  Stop comparing.  Being a mom is hard y'all so let's build each other up not tear each other down.  

So anyways....

Next week, when you see me....

Don't ask me if I'm ok...I'm not.

Don't ask me if I miss Levi...I do.

Don't ask me if I miss Liam...I do.  

Don't ask me how he's doing in daycare...he's fine (I hope). 

Don't ask me how work is going...I'm surviving.

My heart is with my babies.  My thoughts are with my babies.  

Xoxo,

Molly