If you follow me on Instagram, you know Liam and I take a daily selfie. You probably noticed a lack of selfies the last few days. Let me explain why...
I have said it before and I will say it again...nursing is the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my whole life. Yup, labor was easier! The issue started last Thursday night when I woke up to pump. It took forever for my milk to letdown. A little back story - I have been blessed with a very fast and forceful letdown. Now this caused problems early on because Liam was drowning in my milk, but he has learned to compensate and nursing has been going great the last few months. So when my milk refused to letdown, I started to worry.
Your letdown is a reflex, so stress and tension can cause it to seize up and slow down. I cannot think of any stressful trigger that led to that Thursday night, but ever since then my letdown has been hit and miss. Mostly at that 1AM hour and sadly, during my usual morning nursing session with Liam. The following morning after that fateful Thursday night, Liam tried nursing for 40 min, and no letdown. Then I tried pumping and it took an addition 30 min to get the milk to letdown. Here's the weird part...my pumping session at work and nursing Liam at 4PM were no problem. My letdown took a little longer that evening when I nursed him to sleep, but it was successful. Over the weekend I had no problem in the morning, and the nights were ok...except Sunday night. NO LETDOWN AT ALL! I tried in vain for an hour and eventually gave up. Some milk came out but not even close to the total amount I usually get. The following morning, Liam and I had another failed nursing session, but pumping afterwards finally got it to letdown. The worst day was Tuesday because the night before I got NO letdown again, and the following morning, nursing and pumping failed. I had to go to work with very full, sore breasts and could not pump until 11AM. I went from 1AM to 11AM with very little relief. I pumped out 12 oz. at lunch at work...I was honestly expecting more.
This morning (Wednesday) I decided to forgo trying to nurse and just pump. I found that if Jason sits with me and talks to me, my letdown happens fairly easily. He sat with me on Tuesday night, after I had tried for an hour again on my own. He sat with me that morning as well. I had a successful pumping session and then I gave Liam a bottle for the first time since he was born. He took it from me no problem and only reached for my chest twice, but was happy to take the bottle when offered. He drank 4 oz. with me and 1 more oz. with Jason later on. I decided to pump for his 4PM bottle also. This was tricky because I was home alone and had just got back from my run. Liam was still in the stroller watching me, being a good boy. I started pumping and decided to make silly faces at Liam hoping that would distract me...and it worked...the milk flowed no problem. I got 6 oz. and Liam drank 5! He had been nursing very poorly at this time anyway so I was shocked that he drank so much. Kind of glad I gave him a bottle. I feel like he is getting more milk now.
Tonight what the first night I gave Liam a bottle instead of nursing him to sleep. He chugged 6 oz. and then I offered him is paci and off to dream land he went without a fuss. It was the most relaxing night we have had together in a few days. No worrying about my letdown and no trying to keep him awake long enough to eat enough.
In conclusion...I have decided that I am going to pump and bottle feed for awhile. I might try to nurse on the weekends, but the anxiety of my letdown makes it not as enjoyable as it used to be.
I already miss being that close to my Li Li. There is just something about that special time while you are nursing. But we are both more relaxed and I think he's actually eating more. I still got my snuggles with him once he fell asleep...
I just keep telling myself he is still getting my milk, and my sanity is just as important as fulfilling his needs. I also made it 9 months nursing, and have about 2 months of stored milk for him. We will still make is a fully year on breastmilk only.
So...a pumping I will go...
This is actually Liam a few weeks ago after a very good nursing session. These are the moments I will treasure.
