Don't Ask Me

Don't ask me how I'm doing...

This time next week I will be anxiously awaiting the bell to ring for recess and I will be back at work full time.  Right now it feels like this dark scary cloud hanging over my head.  I have so many things to juggle at work that first week back, not just my class (who has turned into a nightmare I hear) but a Lead Learner Meeting till 5pm Tuesday night and a presentation to my peers on Thursday afternoon, for which I have prepped nothing. The thought of going back literally brings tears to my eyes.  

I shared recently that I have struggled (and still do a bit) with postpartum depression and anxiety after having my sweet Levi.  The reason going back to work is so terrifying and sad is because I feel as though I have lost/wasted precious time with my little love because I was struggling regain control and heal myself. While I didn't "miss" anything or any milestone, I did not get to enjoy everything as much as I had hoped.  My little Levi is not a newborn anymore....he's a hefty lil chunk of an infant.  Time has gone so much faster this go around.  Maybe it was the struggle with PPD and maybe it was just having two beautiful boys who make each day fly by, and maybe it was both.  Either way I feel like I am grieving lost time.  Just when I get back to "me" and enjoying everything about being home with my babies...I have to go back to work.  I want to scream "No not yet, I want a do over!"  It feels so unfair and at the same time I am so mad at myself for losing that time.  I want more cuddles and smiles and time just time!  

I know what you're thinking...you've had almost 5 months, suck it up!  You're right, I have.  But who's to say what is "enough" time with our babies?  This short time that they are little goes by so fast.  Everything in my soul says I should be the one with my babies.  My face should be the one they see when they wake up from naps.  My hands should  dry tears.  My lips should kiss boo boos. Maybe it's the control freak in me that hates to relinquish control to someone else who will basically raise my babies for me while I work.  That's hard for me.  (Don't get me wrong they are in the best hands I could ask for).  

That age old debate of who has it harder working moms or stay at home moms?  I've been both.  Both are freaking hard!  So that debate should stop.  Both are jobs.  Both are hard!  Stop comparing.  Being a mom is hard y'all so let's build each other up not tear each other down.  

So anyways....

Next week, when you see me....

Don't ask me if I'm ok...I'm not.

Don't ask me if I miss Levi...I do.

Don't ask me if I miss Liam...I do.  

Don't ask me how he's doing in daycare...he's fine (I hope). 

Don't ask me how work is going...I'm surviving.

My heart is with my babies.  My thoughts are with my babies.  

Xoxo,

Molly 

Hiding Behind My Smile

I have Postpartum Depression/Anxiety. 

There I said it.  Whew.  

Why am I sharing something so personal?  Because it is not talked about enough.  

Exhaustion 

Guilt

Worries 

Sadness  

These are all normal as a mom but also too "expected" by society.  Why is it so accepted and "ok" for new moms to be tremendously sleep deprived and exhausted?  There is such a stigma behind depression and anxiety.  As well as an expectation by society that moms just need to "suck it up" because it's part of the "job."  I'm sharing my story in hopes that some other mom who reads this says "I feel that way too," and gets the help she needs.  I am also sharing it because we need to talk about it MORE.  It needs to be recognized MORE.  It needs to be accepted.  Women should not feel ashamed for the way they feel.  This can happen to ANYONE!

What is Postpartum Depression/Anxiety? 

According to Google it is...

1. Depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue.

   So basically during the time in our lives when shear joy should be all consuming, moms can be sucked into a black hole of many emotions that take all that joy away.  You would assume this would look like a very sad mother who is not connected to her baby at all.  At least I thought that.  99.9% of the time you will have no idea a mom is suffering in such a way. Why?  Because it's our job to hold it together and society frowns upon any kind of depression.  We hide behind our smiles.  I will be honest, before it happened to me, I was skeptical.  But believe me...it's very very real and something you need help coping and dealing with.  

   
   

   
   

   

   
   

   Here's my story....

   
   

   Let me start off by saying that the first 5 weeks were PURE BLISS! I was on cloud nine with my little cuddle bug and my precious 2 year old!  Life was great!  Everything changed 5 weeks postpartum...

   
   

   Now I am an anxious person by nature but all of a sudden the worries and the stresses became overwhelming.  The worries and stresses just sat in my head ruminating and I just could not shake them.  Mind you they were things I did not need to worry about.  My mind was going to the worst case scenario with everything.  For example:  sitting on the couch one day I could not get Levi to look at me.  My mind immediately said "He has a hearing problem or a sight problem or worse he has autism!"  Mind you he was only 5 weeks old.  Google is not your friend because it just confirmed (in my mind) what I was worried about.  I literally could not stop this autism worry.  I had to keep myself from googling it more and trying to force eye contact from Levi.  Poor kid probably was so sick of my face being in his!

   
   

   My 5 week check up with my OB fell within this autism worry cycle. At my appt when she asked how I was doing, I just started crying.  That's when I knew something deeper was wrong.  My OB diagnosed me with Postpartum Depression and referred me to a therapist.  Swallowing the fact that I had this diagnosis and had a legit "problem" was not easy for me.  Getting this "label" made me feel like a terrible mom, wife and person.  WHY COULDN'T I HANDLE THIS?  I beat myself up for a few days after my diagnosis.  There is still a little voice that rears it's ugly head now and then still that makes me feel like a bad mom.  I am doing my best to silence and ignore that voice at all costs.  I am getting the help I need and taking care of ME, so I can be a GOOD MOM to my boys.  

   
   

   What does Postpartum Depression/Anxiety look like?
2. Nothing like what I thought.

First of all, I am not sad all day long.  I do not feel like I cannot get out of bed.  I am not mopey and lethargic all day.  These were all the things I thought Depression looked like. Sometimes it does, but not all the time.  My Postpartum looks like me...a more tired me...but me.  For me it manifested itself in a few major ways - Anger, Constant Anxious Thoughts, Fatigue, and Major Guilt.  

Anger - 

I am not an angry person by nature.  I feel as though I have always been a patient person and things like rage and anger were not things I had truly experienced before.  All of a sudden I was such and irritable and anger person.  I would go from zero to sixty in a few seconds.  I had no fuse and small things that I could usually brush off made me furious.  Poor Jason could breathe wrong and have me blow up.  My poor Liam...who is a brilliantly defiant two year old...really pushed my buttons.  Liam was also regressing in his behavior due to the arrival of Levi.  This is totally normal and expected but it made things very difficult for me and for Jason.  When everything is a battle, no one is in a good mood.  The anger I would feel was all consuming and did not go away or stop once the trigger went away.  It would leave me in a funk which would leave me vulnerable to more anger and blow ups later on.  I hate feeling this way but I felt powerless to stop this anger.  I just reacted to things without thinking.  I don't think I even had a fuse.  Of course once you blow up in anger (sometimes for no real reason) you immediately feel AWFUL!  This lack of thinking and just reacting often led me to an overwhelming feeling of guilt after.  

Guilt - 

No one knows this feeling better than a mom.  Sorry dads you just aren't wired like we are (and in some ways you're lucky). The guilt started before Levi was even born.  I felt guilty just for having a second child.  Liam was and is my whole world!  How can I take that away from him?  How can I love him and a new baby equally?  Turns out it is completely possible but the guilt still happens!  I love both my boys more than anything but I never feel like I can give both of them what they need at the same time!  It does not help that BOTH of my boys are total mommy's boys.  Which I love and hate at the same time!  It never fails...especially in the evenings at bedtime, that both need me.  Liam will not go to sleep unless mommy lays with him for a few minutes and Levi will fuss and cry until I nurse him to sleep (even if that little chunker has JUST eaten).  Needless to say, it is excruciating to hear one or both of your babies crying and you know that you can only choose one at a time.  In this way I feel like one of them is always short changed.  PLUS I feel so bad for Jason because he can't do anything because he's not mom.  Another big guilty feeling I have is not being able to play with Liam like he wants me to.  If Levi is awake, poor Liam is limited to what I can do while keeping Levi happy and/or holding Levi.  I have been wearing Levi alot and now that he is almost sitting and can stand in his jumper things are easier.  But he's never happy anywhere long...unless I am holding him (shocker).  Liam breaks my heart when he asks, "Mommy can you put Levi down and play with me?"  I miss those times when we could just play.  That's a big reason I still send him to preschool at least 4 days a week.  He gets to PLAY!  He has a ball at preschool and I know he is learning so much!  Much more than I could give him at home.  This way when he does come home we can have some good quality time together and play while Levi naps (usually in the evening).  Plus I do not feel as bad putting Levi in his bouncer or seat for awhile since he and I have had all day together.  BUT...I feel so guilty being home and sending Liam off to preschool daily.  It's such a torn feeling I have.  I know it is the best, but it tugs at my heart daily.

Constant Anxious Thoughts -
This was the first thing I noticed with my Postpartum.  Like I mentioned above I thought Levi was lacking eye contact, therefore, he had Autism. My mind is normally a "Jump to the worst case scenario" type of mind.  But generally, I can control those thoughts and not ruminate on them.  At 5 weeks postpartum I lost that control.  The scariest of scary thoughts took control of my mind and I could not let them go.  I would worry about Levi, Liam, Jason, and myself.  All moms know those DAMN milestones babies are "supposed" to meet.  If Levi was behind or slow I was freaking out.  By the way, I hate those and the dang percentiles the pediatrician tracks your kids with.  I have been constantly worried about Liam bringing home germs from preschool.  Then it happened and both boys were on nebulizers for a few weeks.  That fear came to fruition and I actually think going through it helped because now I am not as concerned about everyone getting sick.  We've been there, done that already.  My marriage and relationship have been a huge worry.  Of course I am petrified that all I have been going through and what I have been putting Jason through is going to drive him away.  Maybe it's because I have been "left" in the past, maybe it's because I have been cheated on in the past...I don't know for sure, but I do know I have major insecurities about being left by my significant other.  Jason has been dealing with a lot to say the least.  ME for one thing, Liam being mommy only most of the time, Levi (in general just having a new baby) and working full time.  He truly is the most amazing man ever created.  He is so patient and reassuring.  He is a great father.  He is a great husband.  Yet still, I worry all that has been going on will be too much.  THANKFULLY - things are definitely on the road to "normal" and we are all adjusting.  Plus, my postpartum is MUCH MUCH better.  I love my husband beyond words.  He's been the rock keeping this family anchored:)

Fatigue -
HERE IS MY TRIGGER......Lack of freaking sleep!  I kid you not...the first MONTH of Levi's life I got maybe 2-3 hours of sleep per night.  Napping was minimal throughout the day.  Newborns have their days and night mixed up...that's normal.  But it never failed that if Levi was asleep, Liam needed something.  He's usually a rockstar sleeper but of course with the new addition to the family we had some regression.  Sleep deprivation is a TORTURE TECHNIQUE!  No lie - they use it as a form of torture, but new moms are just supposed to deal.  After a month of such little sleep I was not the person I used to be.  This is what set off my postpartum.  On nights that I sleep less (which are still common as Levi is not sleeping more than 6 hours in a row), I definitely feel my postpartum depression and anxiety more.  It's controllable now, but it's more of a challenge on days I have not slept well.

THINGS ARE FINALLY GETTING BETTER!

I am starting to come out of this postpartum fog and I feel like me again!

It's almost an out of body experience.  Like I can see my life from someone else's perspective.  I can recognize now when I need to breathe and calm down before just reacting in anger.  I can see what Liam's behavior means...attention seeking mostly.  I know that lack of sleep will be a trigger and that I need to be more conscious of my thoughts and actions on those days.  Basically, I can manage how I am feeling now and I can see what I need to do to help myself feel better.  I can finally enjoy being a mommy, and a stay at home mommy at that!  Unfortunately I feel like I have wasted almost 4 months with Levi struggling to control this postpartum stuff and find me again.  But, I am trying to focus on the good...I have exactly a month from today (3/4/16) at home with my boys.  Then I return to work and that will be a whole new adjustment period.  I get a month to cuddle with my littlest babe.  I get a month to play with Liam without being exhausted from working all day.  I get a month to get things done around the house at normal hours.  I get a month to meet with friends for lunch mid day.  I get a month to relax when both boys are napping.  I get a month to focus on selling my LuLaRoe!  I GET A MONTH:)  

I know what you are thinking....Molly you do not have to share everything in your life.  You are right, I don't.  BUT this was something I felt I needed to talk about.  No one warned me about this!  No one asked how I was doing.  No one shared their thoughts and feelings about being a mom - the real stuff we don't talk about it.  So many friends said "Oh yea I felt that way too, but I just thought it was normal!"  It makes me sad and mad that we think that is normal.  It's not.  It needs to be openly discussed.  There is NO SHAME in having postpartum depression/anxiety.  Maybe that's why I am sharing.  Go ahead and JUDGE away.  Think what you want because here's what I know...

I admitted I needed help.

I got help.

I got support.

I put myself first...even though I am a mom and I am supposed to be last.

I AM A GOOD MOM...heck a great one because I am taking care of me.  Only way I can take care of my kiddos is if I am taken care of.

I am a good wife.

I am a good teacher.

I am a good person.

I am not comparing myself to other mommies....as often;)  

I. Am. Me. and that's good enough:)

So I urge you...talk about this.  If you've felt how I felt, get help.  DO NOT BE ASHAMED of your feelings and thoughts.  Put yourself first.  

Postpartum can happen anytime from birth to one year. 

Research it.

Understand it.

Share it.

I no longer have anything hiding behind my smile now.

I'm happy.

I'm healthy.

I'm a mommy to two beautiful boys:)

xoxo,

Molly

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